The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child

This book is a definite "must read" for all parents of adopted children. I know that as a parent you will resist believing in the Primal Wound but you must for the benefit of your children. You will learn to understand your adopted children and will be able to help them throughout their lives - sometimes even in the smallest way, i.e. the simple reassurance that you WILL return home after work.

I met my birth family at 30 years old. Then I read this book a few years later. This book made a difference in my life. It will make a difference in your life, too. Enjoy!

Thank you Nancy Newton Verrier!!


A Mirror To My Adopted Self   February 21, 2000
Long Pants (Hollywood, CA)
57 out of 59 found this review helpful

I have read many books on adoption. This is my favorite. Upfront, smart, insightful work. I admire this book for not being afraid of the criticism it may receive for being too acurate, too honest, too exposing of our society's slow pulling up of it's socks with regards to acknowledging adoption as a period of trauma for the infant and not simply a time of celebration for infertile couples wanting children.

It felt as though Verrier took the hand of my young adopted self and walked me through my entire life. My copy is severely highlighted with "yes", "yes" written at least once in each margin. If that weren't enough, Verrier then guides us through the search and reunion process, which was the area I had been looking for help with. It seemed as though she had witnessed the intricacies of my own reunion process...for there it was spelled out on the page. The book also provides some great insight into the delicacies of the triad relationships (adoptee/birth parents/adoptive parents) during the reunion process, suggesting ways to move toward solid relationships. Finally, Verrier offers the adoptee real usable tools for mourning his/her deep loss so that he/she can slowly remove adoption related roadblocks in his/her adult life.

To the non-adopted eye, the book may seem repetitive in places, but this book was built for the adoptee. The repetition is reassuring and appropriate. If Verrier hadn't so accurately described my experience as an adoptee: my difficulty with my own birthday parties, my inability to react to the news of my grandmother's death, my terror of being separated from my adoptive mother on the first day of nursury school and my inexplicable deep childhood sadness(to name a few), I may not have believed that she knew what she was talking about. It's all there. See for yourself. This book is a friend; the boyscout handbook for the adopted. To anyone adopted: I recommend keeping a copy in your back pocket.

Thank you Nancy Newton Verrier. We have been waiting for this.


Primal Wound   April 23, 2000
63 out of 67 found this review helpful

I am an adoptee, who as an adult has searched for and found my birth family. I am also an adoptive father, my son being a teenage adoptee. I found this book to be the most insightful book on adoption that I have ever read. This book, like fine art, speaks to the essence of our being. It speaks to the adoptee primarily, but also to the adoptive parent and birth parent. The truths found in this book are basic and undeniable on the primal level. However, triad members often do attempt to deny them on an intellectual (conscience) level all the time. This denial sets up the basic tension or unspoken problems of adoption. The answer is in speaking about them and adressing them head on. Difficult at best. Nancy Verrier's premise of the primal wound may be difficult for the triad members to accept, but for the adoptee it hits home. I am not completely convinced of the "primal wound" concept, but I am convinced that the problems and struggles that Nancy describes are real. The thoughts and feelings of adoptees are accurately described by Nancy. All adoptees know in their "heart of hearts" that these feelings and thoughts are real. How each adoptee deals with this reality is unique to each individual. Critics may call this book pop psychology, however, the Nancy has accurately described the problems that adoptees experience, this is reality not pop psychology. The symptoms and problems are real and must be acknowledged and dealt with if adoptees are to heal. I would recommend this book to all adoptees. The courageous will use this information to improve their lives and those of their fellow triad members. I wish all who read this book the best as they search for truth in their own adoption issues. Thank you Nancy for your insightful and beatiful work of courage and love.


Yep I can and do relate   May 18, 2003
LizO (Colorado Springs, CO United States)
43 out of 46 found this review helpful

I purchased this book during a very emotional time of my life which included seeking out my birth mother. I am ADD and normally read a book about three pages then fall asleep. This book, however, had me nodding my head, saying yes and feeling validated for those things I had felt through most of my life and finished within 24 hours.

Verrier has a good thought on this whole adoption thing. For those of us that were adopted during the dark ages of secrecy and the idea that adoption should be kept secret, this is a good book for those of us with conflicting feelings.

While this may not apply to all adoptees, and it certainly doesn't, it does ring true for many of us left with many unanswered questions as to why we are the way we are, who we are and why we may act out in ways our adoptive siblings and parents don't.

In all it's a good book to consider for the adoptee seeking answers, the adoptive parent who may need some insight, the sibling not connecting with their adoptive brother/sister, the spouse of an adoptee, etc....

Again, it doesn't fit everyone, no book like this does but for many of us this book explains a lot to our mental outlook. I don't think in life you can find any book that really can put people (whatever the classification) into one-size-fits all but this book fit me to a "T". Others may or may not be able to relate but worth the read if you are a member of the adoption triad.


Lifesaver   July 15, 2000
21 out of 21 found this review helpful

This book has truly been a life saver! My adopted daughter is 27 and at her request, I found her birth mother. When I told her the news, she became quite defensive and we did not speak for two weeks..... that has NEVER happened. This book was recommended to me by an adopted adult and although I was convinced nothing would help - every word was an eye opener! My daughter's entire life was described in this book and my new revelation into her soul has enabled me to understand 27 years of questions within me that, although never posed an outward problem, needed to be answered. Now, because I understand what caused her reaction and have a new perspective on who she is, our relationship has been enhanced. Everything in this book fits! It opened so many doors and closed others! I recommend it to every family who is thinking about adopting... and every family who has adopted, no matter how long it has been.