Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

Note first, the book is dedicated to the authors mother and the adopted child's birth mother. Second, the author is sharing an open adoption, largely of her choice and entirely of her effort. The adoptive couple hope to provide the child, as he matures, an opportunity to know his biological family. Third, while the author admits (as those of who have tried and failed to conceive must), she doesn't understand how the birthmother can separate herself from her child, she also acknowledges the character and strength it must take to perform that unselfish act.

Anger? Frustration? Yes, there are those emotions. Kept in a 'secret thought' context, fair emotions. Those of us who find ourselves in stable marriages, educationally, and financially independent but infertile, relying on a social worker and a birthmother for a 'stamp of approval', can not help but feel anger at the irony of the situation.

There are a few 'bad' words, (I believe I noted 4), but far fewer than you hear daily if you live and work in soceity.

Far more important is the illustration the author provides of the roller coaster of self doubt and emotion adoptive parents experience. It is reassuring to know 'you are not the first to tread those waters'. Also, her experience with racism is invaluable to those of us who have adopted/will adopt children of a different race.

I do recommend the book.


The best adoption book I've ever read   January 14, 2000
Nancy C. Lundsgaard (Honolulu, Hawaii)
24 out of 25 found this review helpful

I loved this book in which Wolff dares to say aloud the thoughts many adoptive parents (including me) have during and after the adoption process. Her willingness to share the deep-down gut-level truths about her own experience really moved me, as did her sometimes painful honesty and her great sense of humor. I laughed and cried and laughed some more and then gave the book as a gift to everyone I thought would be interested: other adoptive parents, my daughter, friends who are birth mothers who gave up their children for adoption. Everyone I've given the book to has loved it. I only wish Ms. Wolff had written it 28 years ago when I was reading every book I could find on adoption, but not finding any that paid much attention to "secret thoughts." When people learned our family (husband, wife, two sons) was adopting, they thought we were (or should be) somehow "better" or "nobler" than other people. I knew we weren't, of course (oh, secret guilt!). This book illumines the truth that in most adoption cases,there are few heroes (no villains, either); each of us (whether birth mother or adoptive parent) brings our own mix of circumstances, needs and motives (and secret thoughts) to the process, but hopefully share one characteristic: love for our children. Thank you, Jana Wolff, for writing this brave and important book.


No Political Correctness here...just pure HONESTY   July 16, 2000
11 out of 11 found this review helpful

FINALLY an author who's willing to write about adoption with honest emotions....not "politically correct" mumbo-jumbo!

Ms Wolffs refreshing approach to adoption was like a breath of fresh air after all the "Dear Birthmother" type books us adoptive parents are given to read by adoption professionals, who can't relate.

Her realistic, honest, humorous, touching story is something WE CAN ALL RELATE TO but feel guilty for thinking. FINALLY a book that looks at adoption WITHOUT the rose colored glasses.

A MUST READ for adoptive families and adoption professionals!


Reassurance and humor in a stressful time.   February 17, 2000
Jean Henry (Texas)
10 out of 10 found this review helpful

The thoughts of an adoptive mother are not so different from the thoughts of a biological one, or so I've been told. If one is truely honest about it everyone is plagued by the "what ifs". What if my child isn't healthy, what if I don't bond with my child,what if this whole thing is a mistake, what if my child is, heaven forbid, ugly! I found Jana Wolff's book enjoyable, easy to read, and a wonderful confirmation that one shouldn't be ashamed of the random thoughts and worries that zing around in one's head as you wait for the adoption process to take its course.


This is the adoption version of "The Color of Water"   February 4, 2000
sandy brody
10 out of 11 found this review helpful

I just love this book. And I've shared with numerous adoptive mothers in my community. I found their comments illuminating--their relief that FINALLY an adoption book that really tells it like it is. The author, Jana Wolff apparently goes where no other adoption writer has gone before. She addresses real issues, some uncomfortable to admit. Seeing them in writing was an act of bravery and so cathartic for the reader. I've had other readers tell me that they've read it multiple times, as it was so helpful.

I will continue to recommend this book. It's a gem!